How to help your teenager
Practical wellbeing tools to help your teenager navigate anxiety, low-mood and disconnection
Let’s face it, most of our teens have had a bit of a rough ride over the past couple of years, so it's no wonder that they're experiencing sadness, anxiety and depression more than ever before.
When lockdown arrived, our teen’s usual lifeblood of being physically surrounded with friends was ripped from underneath their Doc Marten’d feet overnight. Their usual routine of getting out of the house to go to school, engaging in clubs and other recreations…simply gone, without the knowledge of when they were going to return.
As they’ve spent part of their formative years in isolation, living with uncertainty, and the threat of COVID cruelly taking their loved-ones, it’s not a surprise that the rise in requests for teenage mental health services has sky-rocketed. Recent analysis by the BBC highlighted that there has been a 77% rise in the number of children needing specialist treatment for severe mental health crisis. Some 409,347 under-18s were referred to the NHS in England for specialist care for issues such as suicidal thoughts and self harm between April and October 2021. However, the number of empty professional posts at services such as EWMHS and CAMHS are also on the rise, leaving a chasm of children who are slipping through the system. Waitlists are off the hook, the quality of care is inconsistent and teens are hurting.
When lockdown was announced, all of a sudden teens were under the spotlight from their parents and carers who were spending more time working from home, questioning how long they were spending in their rooms, all whilst they were being bombarded with different ways of learning via digital lessons and changes to GCSE / A level exams.
Some may have experienced extra domestic demands and caring duties such as “Can you help with the washing up?”, “Can you cook tea for your brother?” "Can you hang the washing out?"
All of these extra demands have built up to the ultimate eye-roll for them, and us!
Apart from chatting to their friendship groups online, all forms of coping disappeared.
So, if you’re looking for ways to help your teen, create a healthy relationship (and teach them how to have healthy relationships), here’s some ways you can help. These tools are used everyday in our household of five kids (blended family), ageing 17 - 10 years.
ENGAGE, REACH OUT OFTEN AND CREATE SPACE TO CHAT
Ever noticed that when you try and have a conversation with your teen, maybe when they get in from school or you’ve finished your working day, they rarely want to talk? It’s as if they have their ‘don’t talk to me’ beacon on. When our 13 year old walks through the door and I ask “How was your day? What went well? What didn’t go well?”, I’m met with “Yeah, good”.....cue silence.
Then, when it’s bedtime, they tend to talk for hours. Ever noticed that? Utilise this time and make the most of it. You’ll have the best conversations when they are relaxed and ready for chatting. They’ll feel listened to and important. Consciously preserve some of your energy for the time of day when they get chatty, and expect the conversation to go well.
Even when your teen appears to be disconnected, reach out often. Find ways to engage and ask questions such as:-
- “What do you need?”
- “What do you need from me?”
- “What can we do together?”
This will help them vocalise their emotions and create clarity with their needs. During the teen years, some may find it less than easy to describe what’s on their mind. After our 17 year old daughter had come out of teen hibernation, she said “I didn’t know how I was feeling, so I had nothing to say”. It can be really tricky for our children to articulate something they don’t understand what’s going on in their minds, their changes in body and moods.
The fundamental take-away from this is to remember that we can only steer our children in a helpful direction, not control them. However, we can always choose how to react to bad moods, rudeness and disconnection. And when we master that, everything becomes manageable. It’s all about protecting our own energy (and sanity).
TEACH THEM ABOUT ANXIETY AND HOW TO CREATE HELPFUL COPING MECHANISMS
The ultimate teacher is you. When you’re able to explain what anxiety is, why it’s a normal human response and how to create helpful coping mechanisms, your teens will learn how to deal with situations. Be the role model who stays calm and finds ways to work through the tough times. Be confident in talking about your vulnerabilities, and share what works for you.
ENCOURAGE THEIR DREAMS
Work out ways to transform their dreams into reality. Show them how to take themselves out of their comfort zones by doing things for the first time, and go back when things don't go brilliantly. Try new things often. Increase their confidence by highlighting their passions and asking them “how can we make this happen?” When our daughter was researching University courses, I suggested that she look into the careers of people she looked up to and researched how they got to be where they are. It’s a process of looking at the journey someone goes through to achieve their career goals….and then mirroring it.
Become aware of other family members consciously and subconsciously dashing your teens hopes. Well-meaning people sometimes share their concerns and fears, saying things like “you’ll never make it”, “it’s completely unrealistic” etc. These kinds of statements tend to come from people who are afraid of failure…and who have stayed in their comfort-zones for fear of trying. You can remind your teen that it’s their life, their choices and their dreams. No-one elses. You can teach them to be resilient to these comments and gently deal with negative comments as and when they arise.
GET ACTIVE & ENCOURAGE ACTIVITY
Whenever you can, get them out of the house. Yes, they might whinge and tell you they can’t be bothered, but getting outside will give them some much-needed change of scenery. We took our 14 year old daughter for a local walk, much to her original disgust. We knew that within 10 minutes of being outside, she would begin to feel lighter. She started making bird noises and relaxed. This wouldn’t have happened if we’d stayed in.
GIVE THEM SPACE TO CREATE THEIR IDENTITY
Give them the space to find out who they are, without judgment. They are finding out who they are and will need you to support them, regardless of your opinions. If you don’t agree with how they’re presenting themselves, their identity, or choice of sexuality, you can distance yourself even more from them. Help your teen by being curious about their world and their life. Validate their values and love them for who they are becoming. How you choose to respond to this will help your teen develop self-esteem and self-worth that will allow them to fully belong, wherever they are and whomever they’re with.
HAVE REGULAR CONVERSATIONS ABOUT TECH
Whether or not you agree, tech plays an important part in your teen’s life. Whilst you may think they are addicted to their phone / Xbox / iPAD, the best thing you can do is put aside your fears and be curious about their world. Have regular open conversations about their time spent online.
Some conversation starters include:-
- You: I’ve noticed you’re spending quite a bit of time on your (enter tech) recently and wondered if we could chat about it? I’m interested to learn more about how you use it.
- You: What do you know about tech safety? What kind of problems do you know about and where would you report them?
- You: Let’s make a plan for regular time spent offline. What other things could you do? What can we do together? Would you like me to take you somewhere to meet up with someone?
Agree family tech boundaries - suggestions include:-
- No tech at the table, during family visits, during meals out, during conversations.
- No tech before other stuff needs to be done (homework, household chores etc)
- The time for tech to be turned off at night
- The time for tech to be used in the morning
- Weekend usage
Compromise is key - be open to hearing their suggestions and reasons. When you really listen to your teens, it makes a MASSIVE difference. Conflict disappears and harmony is restored. Okay, okay, maybe grunting is the realistic expectation here.
SET BOUNDARIES
Being a teenager doesn’t give them a licence to act rudely, without respect and compassion. Helping your teen involves setting realistic boundaries regarding their behaviour, how they talk to you, how much they help around the house and how they approach their school work.
Consistency is key. Be prepared to stay firm, committed and connected to your agreed boundaries. Agree consequences when boundaries are tested (and follow-up with them). As your young person matures, you will give them the space to make mistakes and fail. This is vital for growth. Avoid trying to fix your teens problems - how will they learn if someone is always working it out for them?
I tend to use the following phrase when one of our youngsters talks back to us:-
“How you’re speaking to me is not ok”
And we’ll sit down and talk about it. Practice using “I” in the conversation, rather than “you”.
“When you talk back to me, I feel sad and hurt”
NOT
“When you talk back to me, you make me really angry!”
Can you feel the difference?
Taking into account all the ways you can help your teenager, remind yourself to take care of yourself. Your teenager's life journey is in their palms. They need to fail, to grow through their pain and work out who they really are.
It's our job to support, listen, hold them and love them for who they are.
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are” - E.E. Cummings
My work with children and teens is highly rewarding. Digital and face-to-face sessions available for those based near Rochford, Essex.
Hourly sessions = £75 (just teen)
Hourly sessions = £99 (teen and parent)
Course of 4 x 1 hour sessions = £300
Explore more here - https://www.letsmaketime.co.uk/family-nlp
Resources and helplines
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/find-help/i-need-urgent-help/
